It’s no secret nor should it be; I’ve asked more questions and spent time I couldn’t afford – each yielding nothing to my question answered.
WHY AM I SO DAMNED SICK?!?!
Recap, in earlier posts, I’ve shared my frustration and grief over being so sick with symptoms and tests not revealing the cause for Illness Unknown – the thing strip-mining my life of fun and ease. I’ve been on this hunt for A VERY LONG TIME, and without proof, my mental health comes into question despite quantifiable data stating, “You’re sick.”
I finally got a diagnosis.
This is definitely a story of dysfunction – my brain malfunctioning. In 1999, I had two concussions less than a month apart. The second concussion was one I was aware of but not the first concussion because the impact was so nasty that I lost consciousness. And, yes. Both were at the hands of a predator that stole my sense of safety. There was another thing he stole that I didn’t realize was being stolen at the time.
He stole my health.
It took six MRIs and one MRA to confirm that I’ve been living with a TBI this whole time. All of the drastic things I’ve done to save my life woke the TBI up. It took a computer program to see what radiologists missed over and over and over again – a faint area on the right side of my cerebellum just up against the Occipital Lobe and Temporal Lobe just to the right of the midline.
It sounds more serious than it may be considering my symptoms didn’t take a massive dive until 8 years ago and sank to the bottom of the ocean just two years ago. I never realized that my increasing clumsiness that I thought was part of the aging process was actually a symptom within an array of other symptoms. So, so many symptoms that I’ve had since mid 2000 that worsened so badly that I finally sought help from doctors can actually be neatly attributed to this type of TBI. Throw in PTSD… a very “jagged little pill,” and my brain was effectively rewiring itself via PTSD, and you have the perfect storm that helped create the symptoms so huge that if they would need a wide-load flag if on the interstate.
A Nurse Practitioner with a lot of guile and in an amazing display of incredible “getting out of the damn box” was the medical professional that figured it out; however, in the defense of the doctors that have stuck with me this whole time, those docs have kept me out of the hospital more often than not. They continued treating the symptoms and believed me. It wasn’t until a new symptom emerged that it became a smidge easier to think it was neurological – sudden ataxia.
The issue with sudden ataxia is that it feels like if I were a puppet that got its strings suddenly cut… at least that’s how it’s presented to me, and I know that there triggers to that symptom. At least for me…
I’m still in the diagnostic and treatment phase under the care of Neurology, but I have a diagnosis of TBI. Specificity of diagnosis, the treatment for my body and brain, and future prognosis are still unknowns. Sadly, there is a piece of the prognosis I know.
I can never get on the ice again.
G-Force is a part of skating which would make skating dangerous to me and the TBI we now know has been causing some if not all of the symptoms.
And, I’m grieving like I’ve lost a family member or best friend.
There are a lot of no-no things until we have successful treatment or get this under control.
I feel some relief knowing what’s actually wrong; but I’ll miss skating for how ever long I have left.
To anyone reading this… if you or someone you care about that you suspect may be suffering at the hands of a predator, share this. The person that caused these injuries stole skating, too. The things we don’t realize that can or will be taken from us due to injuries is impossible to know.
The things that bring you joy that you think you have forever to do may already be gone.