I’ve talked about PTSD here… MANY TIMES. One thing that I haven’t really discussed is the anxiety driven depression. Couple that with hypervigilance, whoo wee…. what a heady brew that keeps me from wanting to join the world!
Recently, we had some financial issues come up that genuinely TERRIFIED me. We’re talking uncontrollable shaking, thought streams that I couldn’t redirect, etc….
Normally, I’d be able to use my metaphorical tool box of mental health tools to calm my mind. This time was different. This time, my amygdala was fully enganged in panic mode.
If this had happened about 10 years ago, I’d have been stuck for months. However, this time, I knew what to do.
I picked up the phone and made the calls to my psychologist and then my psychiatrist.
Some of the thoughts I was having? Suicidal ones. Uh, oh.
Anxiety and hypervigilance were leading me down a dangerous path, and NO ONE that isn’t engaging in attention-seeking behavior likes to admit that they’re having “those thoughts”.
Well, I fought the shame as I sat in my psychiatrist’s office and told her the truth. Wanna know what she said? If you’re reading this, I’m going to guess that you do.
“I’m really proud of you for telling me. Now, we can do something about it.”
You see… for years (since 2004 to be exact) I’ve fought tooth and nail to get stable; and even when you are stable, others will doubt that you are stable and always will.
Now, was I going to have to start over?!?!
No! Not at all. Being able to admit that I needed help signifies that I’m mindful of my moods and will take charge and still make rational decisions.
So, I’m back on a super low-dose of Abilify and a low dose of Clonazepam, and I feel like my mind woke up.
>>I’m no longer hiding from the world. I’m no longer unhappy all of the time.<<
I’m no longer hiding out because the shame is convincing me that I’m worthless. My illness feeds the shame.
Ultimately, my psychiatrist will take me off the meds again at a later date,but I’ll never be ashamed to ask for help. It show’s strength! It show’s mindfulness. It shows that I am more than my mental illness.
IF SHAME IS LYING TO YOU AND YOU’RE STRUGGLING… THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT CAN HELP, AND I’M HERE FOR YOU, TOO.
ANYONE CAN BE STRONG. BE RESILIENT INSTEAD!