“We heard you’re expecting…”

How many times have I seen this subject line in my inbox? I’m sure there’s a way to count it, but I’d rather not which, incidentally, is how I feel about seeing that subject header.

Around Valentine’s Day of this year (2013), I was feeling “off”. I have a history of diabetes that periodically comes on-line only to go dormant again. So, I found my meter, checked my glucose, and it was HORRIBLE. Off to the ER we went. My husband KNEW I was pregnant but didn’t tell me. I sat there in the car on the way to the ER chastising myself over and over for not being more diligent with my glucose… but all the while I was bewildered as to why it was so high so suddenly. The ER confirmed my husband’s suspicions. Yep.

I was pregnant.

Joy and trepidation warred within me. You see, my greatest wish… well, it seems like it’s something I can never have. Children.

I was 0 for 4 in viable pregnancies. Four pregnancies and four miscarriages. Four heartbreaks… and none of them have been easy.

I thought I was handed another chance, but was I going to have my heart stepped on again?

March 26, 2013 rolled around. Today was the day we would hear the baby’s heartbeat. We had already seen the “flashing bean” on the first ultrasound and were over the moon. My OB began the ultrasound… couldn’t find the baby. He kept at it. However, it was evident. The baby died.

Missed Abortion… which basically means… I didn’t miscarry but should have.

Every part of me shut down. I was on autopilot. First things first, I needed to have a D&C.

March 28, 2013… my doc performed the D&C, and there were a few complications. I lost a lot of blood and got very sick. Here I was, anemic, depressed, and very ill.

To top that off, Jason and I had set up our registries. Now, I had to inform different companies that I wasn’t pregnant any longer, that it was a very painful subject, and to please remove me from any registries or sites.

It’s September. I’m still receiving email. Babies R’ US STILL hasn’t removed the registry for our dead baby despite my calling them.

So, what’s it like now? I’m not going to say I’m over it because I’m not. Part of me feels like a goddamn failure. I can’t give my husband a child not that he’s EVER pressured me.

The rational part of me knows that’s bullshit, but the maternal spirit within me feels pretty beat up. Nature isn’t kind or fair. Nature just IS.

… but I haven’t given up.

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